get that big but out of the way!

I recently attended a communication skills class titled "Getting Your Point Across", sponsored by my employer. My experience with such classes has been mixed. But I usually do pick up a few nuggets that are quite useful. So here are some I picked up from this class: (some are nothing profound or new, but still, they are good reminders)

• set expectations: i thought this was a good one. the point is, many times communications fail because the two parties have different objectives and they don't realize that. For example, take the cliche'd "venting woman and the problem-solving man" situation: if only the woman says at the beginning, "i just want to vent. i am not looking for solutions", or, if the man just asked upfront, "do you want me to just listen or try to fix things for you?"!
• focus on what's being said - not what to say next ("Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood" - habit #5 from that popular book)
• people don't usually mind "clarifying questions"; it's "problem solving questions" that irritate. "interjecting" and "interrupting" are different things
  
• "listen with empathy" - i have no clue how to do this
• use open ended questions as much as possible. example: "do you think you can get this done by the deadline?" is a closed ended question, and most people will want to say "yes" even if they believe otherwise. however, the same question could be asked as, "what do you think about this deadline?", for which they may be more forthcoming.
  
• avoid email, when it can be talked face to face. if you need a record, send a summary email after the face-to-face
• and get that big "BUT" out of the way: "I like your idea, but ..." translates to "I don't like your idea."

So, an ideal communication session might go something like this, between Raj, who recently took this class, and his Boss, who's not enlightened yet :

Boss: Hey Raj, how is it going?
Raj: Do you really want me to answer or that's just the programmed first line you always use before giving bad news?
Boss: Well, I thought we should discuss last week's release, which was late by a month and had more bugs than the max row limit in Excel.
Raj: I can understand how you feel. Microsoft products are so user unfriendly.
Boss: The customers are threatening a class action law suit. With the quarterly results due...
Raj: Which class of customers are these? The ones we beg to download our product for free, or the board's family members who "buy" the product?
Boss: We may have to trim some resources.
Raj: Oh. How will you feel about losing me?
Boss: Very good.
Raj: Please send me an email about this, then.
Boss: Your account has been disabled already. We are withholding your last pay check to pay for that communications class you took. Bye bye.