The Cycle

To see my father slowly become irrelevant, less and less of a man, less and less of a person, to be treated like an annoying and almost unwanted baby; to see him shrink and shrivel physically, become fragile and broken in so many places in his body, has been hard. We all have almost forgotten what he used to be. For some of us in the family, especially my children, this ghost is all they know of him, which is sadder in a way. This is all deeply personal, of course. I am unconsciously aware that this could very well be my fate too. Consciously, I worry about  what my kids are learning about the roles and capacities of elders, or the way to interact with one’s aged parents.

As I wait outside his ICU, day after day, I go through the whole gamut of emotions – sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, tenderness, impatience, resignation, and boredom. I see other families around me, just waiting, looking passive, going through the motions, and remarkably not exhibiting much emotion. I got to know one family who had to make that Big Decision – to let their loved one fade away in comfort, and not be subjected to more and more interventions and invasions. To Let Go. Amazingly, they had smiles on their faces as they checked out and took their father home.

As I witness the miraculous rescue efforts these doctors and nurses are staging to save my father and the other patients in the ICU, most of them with severe head injuries, I simultaneously marvel, on the one hand, at the human ingenuity that teased out all this knowledge and invented all these technologies , and on the other, realize how we are so powerless in the face of nature’s relentlessness in enforcing its rules. Two different doctors told me in just the past few days, that medicine is not a science, and it’s more of a trial-and-error-and-hope-for-the-best craft. This humility is actually refreshing, though not reassuring. There is work to be done, progress to be made. Or, if you are in a cynical mood, it’s all pointless. Either way, it’s good to remember: nature is neither kind, nor cruel; it just IS.

I am afraid I am no wiser in the end. Irrespective of the outcome, life will go on, and most of these little revelations will recede from my consciousness. Until the next crisis. And so on. Until, one goes down to the vile dust from whence one sprung.